I'm a loser

"Chia Ming, I'm beginning to dislike you."

And that, my friends, was the climax for my very, very terrible day.

Today was terrible. And as tempted as I am to relate it to you, I won't because there are many other people out there with terrible-er days. You just need to know that right now, my life... is very confusing.
I'm pretty disappointed at myself, actually. The finals are over and I basically screwed them up. I should be in my complaining mood right now. OH WHY WHY didn't I study harder??

BUT nope. I've made up my mind. I don't regret the things I do anymore as long as I'm in a conscious mood while doing it. During the pre-exam weeks, I could have made the choice to study; pick up a book or do revision.... But I did not. And at that moment as I chose not to, I told myself that if I do get shit results, I won't regret because here I am, offered with the choice to study which I so blatantly refuse to work upon. Not only do I not regret, I CAN not regret because I basically have no right to.

But hey, this is probably an excuse I'm making for being lazy. But trust me, I'll try my best not to regret. BUT I sure as hell am going to be disappointed. Sounds contradicting enough... but my life is so stupid right now that what I'm saying should be stupid too.

Who do you think spoke that line on the top of this post? My father =)

Yep, he's beginning to dislike me. For reasons that I do not comprehend till now. He hates my guts, perhaps. Well, I'm sorry Dad that I could not be the son that you hoped for. I'm sorry that I turned out to be quite the opposite of your 'perfect' son. I'm sorry that I'm a useless, good-for-nothing, money scavenger. I know I shouldn't be wasting your money everyday by going to cyber cafes which if you must know is 2.50 an hour. But you won't know if everytime we chat, you just look away and don't pursue the conversation. Sorry that I bugged you about going to the club to play snooker together but please don't just shrug it off.

Since we're here, sorry Mom that I can't be the doctor you wanted. I'm sorry that I'll get shit results and make you sad. I know you'll be very, very disappointed as you hoped for something in me but I can't help but say that I'm actually just a no good lazy kid with no ambitions no dreams.

Wait, I had dreams. But they're clouded by implanted visions of YOUR future for me. Yes, be practical. That's the way it has to be, doesn't it? Don't do stupid things that won't support your life in the future. Okay, got that.

WELL, since we're here... sorry Cindy that I request so much from you. Sorry Ka Wing that I always come late. Sorry Ben that I always don't chat. Sorry Nicholas for insulting your hair :P. Sorry Thien Loong for ffk-ing you at times. Sorry Chwan Ren for hmm...nothing, STFU CR. Sorry Chien Yin for mocking you most of the time. Oh yeah, sorry SAM teachers, for the promises I made to get good grades. Especially Mr.Woon, who smiles a lot. Speaking of teachers, I hope Mr.John's daughter is well. If anyone of you knows him and know the current news, please do tell thank you.

Now, let's move on to the next topic. Do you know that life is fragile? An archer dies real easily, trust me, so massing it is not really a very good option. Unless you have a lot of meat shields and good micro, please expect to get your archers raped easily.

Actually, a few days back I got a notice that my sister's friend passed away from leukemia. Sigh. I was deeply shocked. She was in fact a very cheerful person with a bubbly personality. Her name was Esther, and I met her for a few times whenever my sister gave her a lift. She was in the same course as my sister and she did not even discover that she had cancer until after her plane reservations were already made to go to UK. I mean, I was there when they were booking their tickets and she was happily discussing whether to choose this flight or that. Then a few months later, she found out she had cancer... And had to miss the intake as she had to wait for a bone marrow.

So here she was, lying in the hospital as her classmates begin their twinning in UK. That itself was very saddening and now, she's gone. I just can't face death like this. Must it be THIS bleak?

What is life then?