Of parents and where they all come from

It irks me most when I know that one day, I'll just be like one of them.


Over the years, we grow up from little kids to irresponsible youths to much matured adults. And in every one of those phases, we are still our parent's child. Because they have been associating academic excellence with a constant display of stress, unhappiness, and an unfulfilling life, classical conditioning has taught them that if the child is otherwise, then he is not excellent academically.

In other words, they want to see me not have any fun. For the rest of my life. Or else doom be upon them for their child is a failure.

The situation has come to a boiling point that even though denying the child happiness will do zilch to his studying career they will still proceed with the prohibitions because if he's gloomy and stressed out again he might just have good grades(Pavlov, people, think Pavlov).

SO why exactly am I ranting? I'm a happy child, my parents give me most of what I want and I in no way do a lot to be a good child(I don't even get good grades to begin with).

In fact, if my parents have a blog they'll probably write one on how they wish they had used contraception than to sire a heartbreak. One that is me(and maybe my brother too).

I guess I'm writing on not how my life currently is, but how it would be if I wasn't so stubborn to persist on my own kebahagiaan and had just listened to every single instruction they give.

Basically, I'm a bitch because I often neglect my parents and go against their will and advice but perhaps it's very much because I know I'll go insanely depressed if I did listen to every.single.thing.

Growing up has been much of a business deal for me because I'm oft reminded of how much money they have spent on me and how much I'm expected to give back when I'm working(but all parents do that anyway). In other words, my parent have never trusted me before, they don't trust me now, and they most probably will never trust me in the future. Trust me to be a filial son, that is. I do not think they fear retribution and if anything they most probably welcome it because they have been wonderfully nice to my grandparents. So what is the missing ingredient in this recipe of my relationship with my parents? I believe I'm still young and there's much more to be learned though but I'm hoping I find out what it is before I leave to Manchester this September.

Which... looking at the calender does not seem to be optimistic at all. Thus, there is no choice but to return to that mechanical relationship where there is love but no passion, where there is respect but no admiration, where there is a future but no hope. I'm pretty sure I can get used to living a life where the only way I know of pleasing my parents is by studying hard and giving them money in the future. AFter all, that has been all that I've been taught for for 20 years.